Disclaimers and Product Warnings


Many products nowadays include in their labels warnings or disclaimers that are patently ridiculous. At the least, they underline the stupidity of the label editors and the lawyers who seek to avoid litigation of their corporate clientele.

Corporate America has taken the lead in this incomprehensible road to avoid paying their customers damages for use of their products. Understandably so, for it is in American courts where product users have been awarded humongous amounts for misusing products not properly labeled. Yet “proper labeling” was not necessary when a more discerning, and careful, variety of the human species was dominant in this planet.

Recent developments in human evolution has mayhaps necessitated these product warnings.

If one were interested in exploring this road of incredulity and confusion, there are many internet sites that provide many examples of absurd product labels and warnings. Indeed, one could spend days hilariously reading through all the drivel. In the end, however, we learn one thing– that there is no limit to human stupidity to avoid product liability.

In the Philippines, the most visible of these product warnings are the warnings on cigarette packs: Cigarettes are addictive; Smoking kills; Cigarette smoking is dangerous to your health; etcetera, etcetera. It won’t be long before other products will be carrying product warnings that, if they do not emphasize the obvious, would enhance humanity’s heritage of absurdities.

A phenomenon similar to product labels is the use of disclaimers. A standard email disclaimer, for instance, would state, “This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named. If you are not the named addressee you should not disseminate, distribute or copy this e-mail. Please notify the sender immediately by e-mail if you have received this e-mail by mistake and delete this e-mail from your system. If you are not the intended recipient you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited.”

You would think that the information contained in the email is of world-endangering significance. However, the disclaimer is merely another effort of the corporate world to shield itself from litigation because of a missent email.

The purpose of disclaimers, after all, is to provide sufficient protection to the author or maker from claims for damages by readers, users or consumers. It is for this reason that I venture to provide my own disclaimer for Spirited Thoughts. Admittedly, I lifted some from the internet. So sue me.

Disclaimer

This disclaimer covers all previous and future editions of Spirited Thoughts. Immediately upon publication, this disclaimer is presumed to have been read by the general public, including, but not limited to, future generations of literate humans, as well as literate members of other species, whether they be indigenous to Planet Earth or elsewhere. Readers are hereby warned that due to the length of this disclaimer, the print may progressively become smaller to the point of being unreadable. Nevertheless, whether the reader can actually peruse the entire disclaimer, it is presumed that he/she/it is fully informed of the same.

Spirited Thoughts contains no confidential information and is intended to be read by all humanity, living or dead. If you read Spirited Thoughts, you are to do all means to disseminate whatever you read, liberally spiced with your own distortions, opinions or recycled contemplations.

If you received a copy of Spirited Thoughts by email, the following applies: WARNING: Computer viruses can be transmitted via email. The recipient should check their email and any attachments for the presence of viruses. The sender accepts no liability for any damage caused by any virus transmitted by this email. E-mail transmission cannot be guaranteed to be secure or error-free as information could be intercepted, corrupted, lost, destroyed, arrive late or incomplete, or contain viruses. The sender therefore does not accept liability for any errors or omissions in the contents of this message, which arise as a result of e-mail transmission. Although the sender has taken reasonable precautions to ensure no viruses are present in this email, the recipient is hereby warned that the sender was infected with an unnamed strain of the flu virus known to be transmitted by email. The sender fully accepts liability for flu infections of the recipients of this email, provided that flu virus strain can be conclusively identified to be the same strain by a panel of experts from 788 countries.

Any views or opinions presented in Spirited Thoughts are not those of the author and do not necessarily represent a sane member of the human race.

Readers are expressly prohibited from making defamatory statements, developing neurotic or psychotic behavior, engaging in inane discussion, eating bread, laughing, smiling, drinking, or any other normal, abnormal and/or paranormal actions as a direct or indirect result of reading this email post.

Spirited Thoughts may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, by any means, including but not limited to: mechanical reprints, electronic storage or scanning, theatrical release, musical ballads, word of mouth, sign language, braille, pantomime, hetero- or asexual reproduction, or genetic engineering, unless the reproducer first turns around and bows, three times at three thirty-three AM for three days in a row..

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely intentional. Do not use this material to wipe your anus. Don’t put it in your mouth; you don’t know where it’s been. In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a floation device. Even though oxygen is flowing, the plastic bag may not inflate. Go directly to jail. Do not pass “GO”, do not collect $200.

Use of Spirited Thoughts as a marital aid nullifies warranty. Batteries not included. Harmful if swallowed with massive quantities of vodka. No disrespect intended. Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously. Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile. Some dismemberment may occur.

Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Nap was here. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free number before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. If the flow controls supplied are not installed, this unit will not operate properly. Keep out of reach of children. When this set is used with other equipment, if the picture is not stable or the buzz sound is heard, try to change the mutual position of relevant equipment or take enough distance between them. This unit not labeled for retail sale. Phenylketonurics: contains phenylalanine. Close cover before striking. Mind the gap. No merchantability expressed or implied. Parental discretion is advised. Sold as a novelty item only. Although robust enough for general use, adventures into the esoteric periphery may reveal unexpected quirks. Not available in stores. May cause abdominal cramping and loose stools. Vitamins A, D, E, and K have been added. Not designed or intended for use in on-line control of aircraft, air traffic, aircraft navigation or aircraft communications; or in the design, construction, operation or maintenance of any nuclear facility. Container may explode if heated. May contain traces of various nuts and seeds.

Spirited Thoughts contains forward-looking statements that involve risks, uncertainties and assumptions. If such risks or uncertainties materialize or such assumptions prove incorrect, the results of this organization and its consolidated subsidiaries could differ materially from those expressed or implied by such forward-looking statements and assumptions. All statements other than statements of historical fact are statements that could be deemed forward-looking statements, including but not limited to statements of the plans, strategies and objectives of management for future operations; any statements concerning expected development, performance or market share relating to products and services; anticipated operational and financial results; any statements of expectation or belief; and any statements of assumptions underlying any of the foregoing. Risks, uncertainties and assumptions include the achievement of expected results and other risks that are described from time to time in quarterly reports. This organization assumes no obligation and does not intend to update these forward-looking statements.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: